i try much and i try hard,
swimming against the wave near and far,
but little dolphine is waving from the back and front,
i turn around, look around,
swimming against the wave near and far,
but it hurts when it tears the broken heart another mile apart.

believing miracle is just being naive,
no matter a helpless wave nor souless scream,
never gonna make it the song of a broken heart,
trying is an act of suicidal and suicidal.

i relate life with stagnancies, plain, numb and blank. I thought i dislike life so much, eventually it is not, only now, my discovery told me i know nothing about life, taste nothing about life, and i just unable to further motivate myself start the engine and zrooom for the search.hmm..maybe, i am already out of curiosity.  I just never stop sorting out troubles and hassles in every wonderful thing.
Why am I still here then? perhaps, some contribution for trash & crap...

Like any of my ordinary Sunday, after a partied Saturday, i just enjoy my espresso so much under the bright sunny cafe. I browsed my entire month schedule. I found that i am just simply pissed with my programmed-alike life. I work for the weekdays, party & relax for the weekend, just simply non-inspirational.

what is there in my life that worth some evaluation/assessment?
I try to figure and try to recall and try to figure... couldn't find any. Did I forget or it is really none? I regroup in stages.
I have no problem at my career with steady increments over the years, equipped with two smart little degree holder as my assistants, and my cooperate GM is really keen to bring me up in the cooperation. .. to a question am I that functional? I am not or remain doubtful to this extent.

About relationship, I got to keep it as an undisclosed-game and distance. It has never been fascinating enough as encouragement for another start. It was so near and i did not aware that I has programmed myself with auto-block function. Will it be a closure infinitely?
 
In other words, i relate life with stagnancies, plain, numb and blank. I thought i dislike life so much, eventually it is not, only now, my discovery told me i know nothing about life, taste nothing about life, and i just unable to further motivate myself start the engine and search for the hidden-looking meaning of life...
hmm..maybe, my curiosity is running low, just too low to further enrich any excitement for life.  I just never stop sorting out troubles and hassles in every wonderful thing.
Why am I still here then? perhaps, some contribution for trash & crap...

As light shall be captured upon blazing sun,
it is time to reach an open heart,
As fallen branches be stumbled upon,
it is time to reserve a clause,
As the pier seem so far across,
it is time to reside for the night,
As light went off, branches become silent, bypass the pier,
it is time to foresees a gentle-applausive wave.

Fair fare
it is the afternoon breeze flare, windy
it is white on a flat, leafy at side,
it is buttery intense black inside, swinging scent,
it is a same looking cup that we used to have, but it never the same, ever.

Pale spill
It is the clear blue sky, shinny
It is four angled box, gold by side,
It is the bitter sweet, tint between two fingers,
it is a fag that never taste like the one we shared, but it keep ache-in, forever.

Shall be staying in, where?
Shall be living with it, why?
Shall be leaving all, when?
Shall be nothing at all….

Spending my time, watching the sun goes down,
Spending my time, watching the day goes by,
Praying the grey cloud to leave the square of my sight,
Forever, a soul belligerence aroused by a you……

you open up my walk path without doubt,
you brings light brighter than sunshine i ever seen,
you spark passion i never felt,
you heat my coffee like no one else did,
you shade me with your great wing dearly,
you shower me with dreams endlessly,
you fear my tears away,
you embroid each of my minutes with candy,
you should have be the one, and only,

but i was loaded with histories, memories and miseries,

i has grey cloud histories,
i has tanggled memories,
i has mysteries in miseries,
i has unhealable broken spirit,
i has miscursed soul,
i has fumed dignity,

as if i wasn't been that,
as if i wasn't knowing him,
as if i wasn't pay a trust,
as if i wasn't dedicate my love.

Was there a point to stay under one roof with noise that causes cracklines ?
I rather avoid and escape. I named this fear from past. I sacrifice my study to show it once, proven it worth nothing. this is when destiny overule love, and eventually create a strong bonding between the portion of love, trust, and sacrifices with stupidility, idiotic and sarcasticism. Perhaps, one day, he show up and bring my trust again, bringing me an Elixir to revive my spirit and to ensure me what i did still worth.
What i have might not be too much for many, but could be too much for some. Atleast i know till today, it is nothing to him.

You are one good select. You shouldn't relevant to my diary. I am no longer available for any for I never want to take a chance to be hurt as before and never i allow myself to have a chance to revenge on you, maybe to some other, but not you.

Just leave me alone. Only lonelliness pairs up.

*dear donkey, you are the only reason i still feel little hope and lucky. I miss you and great trip ahead.

My motivation is a little washed out today. I have training to go on this Saturday morning, again. I skipped the seminar I am supposed to attend just now at Tropicana, and also my golf lesson. My trainer must be a very un-professional Golf-Pro since he don't really bother about my consistency in frequency of practical.

Along my way home, I felt really depressive. Reason, I can't stop figuring out why the heck someone spend so much time/effort to design/construct such a nice landscaped Highway around town. In proper way, I would raise my curiosity that way, in the other simple way, I could have make it this way " can tax-payer money be any useful than this?" On average, each 10 meter square of a landscaped area with trees/palms/shrubs and turf cost about 1.5k, or 1.5k for every kilometer. IF the patrons do care and bother the view of the landscaping, I believe the accident rate/traffic congestion will hike up infinitely. To my very personal opinion, I think driver/user of the road prefer those cost to be invested in some kind of fund/bond that to help them to reduce some toll increment which is also some sort of inflations factors similar to increase of petrol rate. Generally, maintenance cost should only be focus onto road conditions, unlike currently, maintenance to those landscaped area. Those concessionaire suppose to work out more onto patrol or other form of safety to user, not distractions like blooming flowers, though I do agree blooming sakura reduce some driving-pressures especially when I am stuck in a jam.

Last last week, when I was having a dinner at KL Hilton, for my company annual dinner, I tried looking for Paris Hilton. However, I can't even see her portrait. Sad. The media presentation was great, though I was fucking drunk and wasted with free flow of wines and cognac, I means everyone was doing the same there, I still manage to control myself not to throw out in my friend's car. I took lots of pictures with my babooned-lobstered face. hehe...Honestly, I have no idea what was running in my mind during that evening. I felt terribly pissed with every laughing hyenna overthere. Every sip, bring a yell from my heart, you bitch, u bastard, i hate cooperate politic as much as your laughter.

The day after, it was Eugene and Irene wedding. I really in love with Irene smile. It was a chinese-vegetarian-course fine dinner at Royale Bintang. Fantastic-proper wedding because it was the only alcohol free wedding i ever attended. All the Datuks and Datin from as far as Africa/Brunei/Australia/Taiwan seems like having problem trying to understand why the heck they are given a pair of chopstick to bring home, courtesy from the hotel. hahahahaa.. i crapped abit and told a Taiwanese that, basically it is a basic Malaysian Chinese culture that each guest to a wedding dinner must be compliment with a pair of that, else, it will be a bad omen to their marriage... muahahahahha... yeah .. fouled mouth.. so what...

Despites numerous reminder, my soul never compromise with my intelligence. It ignore competencies. It avoid reality. It causes me to waste a tonne of nuclear energy. Obligated.

After my movie at Cineleissure, the temptations to crave for some bubbly jots begin.

I was actually with the movie, The Waiting.. ( not too sure if i got the title right, because i never remember the movie title except a few that impressed me). I like the way of their intention to make the transparency behind a bar in a form of comedy, which, occasionally happen in reality. The moment it shows women as a source of amusement, satisfaction tool, or/and playstation, it makes me feel my histories worth a sentimental value. I remember the excitement when he was taking his pledge for our relationship and another him that calling me his bitch. You can't be both ;) Your mind was terribly corrupted if u ever think u r right for being at both scenario. That "excitement" makes me reconsider your denial for a prank. You are a  relationship-controversy-adiaphorous loser who lock yourself too hard. Being too self-centered will makes you no-where but dead end as in how you labeled yourself.

On the other hand, my little king is different at all time. You are always my little baby that missed most. No matter how far are you, I just feeling glad you remember me whenever you see a donkey. I am still the beach that ready for a ship to sail by or sailing pass.. Your black suits makes me on high heels, your candles makes my wax melt in no second, your hugs keep me enlighten forever. Every single sms from you really keeps me warm no matter how far are you. Because, I know you are more than a man that was In love with for once. Tomorrow is no longer anything.

I am really in dire need of a temporary shag/studio/bed currently. I am again, for another time, so afraid I can take it no more but to return as suicidal as before. the heat of tears and i really abominate those cramps that are so distractive. It causes a non-ordinary chest burn and my life a real stir.

    arghhhhhh after all the up and down at highland evil-devil land, i resume mahjong at J place and got some "down" damn... however last night thanks to my precious baby who sms me! that's why i always say it is worth me to miss you and love you so much!!!! i won some bucks after multitasking my hand with mahjong tiles and phone sms... hehe.. and that place has bad network coverage so i just focus at my games later...

i am so tired and i want a resign... i need to hand in my letter as soon i think... i just feeling so down and moody and hope not to do any shit at the moment, basically i am farking pissed and in grey cloud. i hope some rainbow to cheer me up before i collapse again. i think i still hate my life much

Luck not at C side, so i lend him and his wife 0.5k this month. His car got sudden need of hospitalisation and i think the other friend need some bucks to travel to work and for food so i sparing N a 0.1k ....

my HSBC limit of 8k almost gone... now i am fully rely on my amex and diners...

i still have my mp4 player waiting in line and my budget to Cambodia and Phuket soon.

If not because i had bought the ticket, i will resign by now so that i can relax and skip my allocation of budget headache by now.

I am feeling pissed.

I hate you for training me to stay in peace-out mood.

I miss my rainbow.

mummy gimme this. she almost lost the whole packet of this that she bought during her trip. ta--daaaaaa~~


i want cofffffeeeeeeeee and i needddddddd more latteeeeeeeeeeeeeee
by the beach~~~

i think i took this when i was too exhausted finishing up some work in my room last night.. i took a picture of my ceiling....


and a picture of the staircase at the door steps of my room that i use every day..



i must ve too darn free eh... neh.. my weekend full of outing daily and full of work.. but i am just lazy....
and perhaps... crazy... just not horny... where is my maxieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I think for the past few weeks we has been hanging too much at KLFC. I feel terribly sick with the annoying noise there.

I had a weird dream again. I saw him at the clubhouse car-parking compound motionless waving for help. The last I saw him walking away with a smile full of hope for harmonious light. This time, the sky really cloudy and his surrounding is too silence for him. He tries so hard crawling helplessly as if he is trying to escape from something everyone can't see. I have no clue how I should approach him to wipe his blood from his eyes. Seem like he too motionless to determine what next he should do with his remaining energy. Just motionless and just let the navigator driving his body in a path which he is too lazy to organize anymore. Also, I see myself there waiting like a stupid clown ready to help, but, then again, something act as a barrier that against my will.

I went to L last night. That place play too much super music that I might like it in my room when I am alone, not in a public party place like this. It was super crowded and full of ...(combo of funkies/rockies/rempities/alternative-kies wannabe). I believe someone I know will love this place. I believe that person I know will dance like nuts if happen to visit this club. I left my cam at home so didn't manage to snap some pic.

I am feeling really down at work. I wanna stop work right now. In the past, it will be my dream when I see my superior having me and another few as his asst. I thought, by having a few cow and horses working under your management will be fun and challenging. However, recently, my position really makes me feel sick/ill/dying/dreadful/pityfull/stressfull/brwonfull/greyfool). At certain point of view, when you are at some lower management position, people see it as you have less work and thing should be easier because all you need to do is some verification and recommendation or some endorsement task. However, there is one typical common overlook matter at this matter is the Commitment of it. Every signatory has it price and value, hence, every time I penned down my signature/initial, I really made a deep consideration. Anyshit, I will the first to be cooked. Aside from that, I tried being as friendly as possible will my subordinate, (through my encounters with my past experience with my head-if works well for us), yet, they might have misunderstood that I am just being another useless-bimbo sitting down there waiting to sign every document they put in my tray and my task is just to make sure each document won't be stacking there pending for too long. Very wrong conception wey..
When I try not to be friendly, those older bastard bitch who has more experience and has higher qualification who works under me will definitely make my life difficult by at least stabbing me with harsh teases. I am feeling so grey at work now. All I want is my own work station that consist only task that need my own workout. I don't need asst. I hate monitoring others. I hate giving false year end appraisal to promote bad asst and to avoid being named the snobbish-young-under-experience-superior. I knew this day will happen because I was once a junior that heard my workmate cursing my head/superior at times. I need a new job.

Or am I actually have nothing else to complain or nothing else to be taken into account as excuses for me to stop working? I hate to work. I hate to have routine daily. I hate life. I hate too many things. I hate pretending as if I am so happy. I hate thing that comes easily to me. I hate whatever that comes along... I just hate my life.

I hate Ah-Lian that bitches too much. I hate ah-lian that eats food for the prices and popularity ( bithches never know the right way to enjoy real food). I hate overdressed women. I hate uncivilized lady that speak like an idiot. They make me feel ashamed as a woman on this earth. I am part of every bit, except for overdress-I just too oversize for much dress ( otherwise i will be a tastefully overdressed Ah-Lian too), I am an Ah-Lian that has an opportunity at career that most Ah-Lian can't even achieve when they are 40 years old and work so hard for it, I am an ahlian that been shower with cuisines luxuries that most people around the region can't even differ Sawi or KangKung-Kahlua and baileys-Thyme and mixherbs- french or itallian-latte and flatwhite - bistro and cafe - german and brazillian - korean and taiwanesse - *worst ---- kobe beef and ribeye or clam and albolone or Mediterranean and western, I am the ahlian with super ahlian mouth that have bit of everything to bithc about and has moody next-door ah-sum mouth to speech at a dining table for twenty, I am the ahlian that love donkeys/cats/maple leaf, I am the ahlian who are so obsess with perfumes and aromatic shits. At this moment, I am just another Ah-Lian that has nothing better to do and spending sometime thinking about an Ah-Lian I met the other day. No jokes, this Ah-Lian really makes me feel I am the champion of all Ah-Lian.
Arghhhhh I don't really know what is in my mind now that makes me typing all this idiotic shits.

What's makes an Ah-Lian that fuck so hard to compromise with some Ah-Lian shits? Ah-Lian fucks as much to sooth the volume of hatred she had.

you are gay you are gay.
you are pigish you are pigish.
yummy uncle bob pop-fillet chick!
it's hot and spiiiicieeee...

Damn i think i miss the movie Amelia again................. did i spelled it wrong again?
fark it.

i know i hate it and still hate it,
but it is still growing and growing,
i hope not to find out why and so,
i just not knowing why and not wondering.

I know i like it and still like it,
but it is still stenching and stenching,
i hope not to fly up shy and slow,
i just not missing only the blue moon.

i miss you too much to remember you.